| Family Mediation |
Parenting Issues Inventory
Mediation assists separating parents create resolutions to difficulties that parents normally experience during a separation or divorce.
Since the re-organization of your family into different households is unique to your situations, you are encouraged to develop a parenting
plan that will work for you. Listed below are questions and concerns that separating parents normally explore as they make plans for
their children.
Mediation assists separating parents create resolutions to difficulties that parents normally experience during a separation or divorce.
Since the re-organization of your family into different households is unique to your situations, you are encouraged to develop a parenting
plan that will work for you. Listed below are questions and concerns that separating parents normally explore as they make plans for
their children.
1) PARENTING ARRANGEMENTS
Defining a weekly parenting routine appropriate for your children's needs and developmental
level to include:
Defining Holiday Schedules including:
2) DAY CARE & EDUCATION
3) HEALTH & MEDICAL CONCERNS
4) CHURCH/RELIGION
5) PARENT'S RESIDENCE
6) GENERAL DECISION MAKING CONCERNS
7) COMMUNICATION BETWEEN PARENTS
8) COMMUNICATION BETWEEN CHILDREN & PARENTS
9) EXTENDED FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
10) SAFETY ISSUES
11) MEETING FINANCIAL NEEDS OF THE CHILDREN
12) TAX CONSIDERATIONS & FINANCIAL ISSUES
Defining a weekly parenting routine appropriate for your children's needs and developmental
level to include:
- Residence of children
- Children's time with each parent
- Transportation arrangements for the children between each parent's respective home
- Assisting children with the transition from one parent's home to the other
Defining Holiday Schedules including:
- New Years Eve & Day
- Easter
- Memorial Day
- July 4th
- Labor Day
- Thanksgiving
- Christmas Eve & Christmas Day
- Other?
- Spring vacation
- Summer vacation
- Thanksgiving vacation
- Christmas vacation
- Special occasions
- Mother's Day
- Father's Day
- Children's Birthdays
- Parent's Birthdays
- What sleeping arrangements are preferable at each parent's home?
- Under what conditions may children be taken out of town, state or country?
- What procedure is to be followed if a child is sick when a change of care is scheduled?
- How will you manage other small changes in an established routine?
- Will missed time with the children be made up by a parent?
2) DAY CARE & EDUCATION
- How will decisions be made regarding day care of school?
- Will school records be accessible to both parents?
- How can both parents be aware of children's participation in extra curricular activities? How will these activities be selected?
- How do you wish to arrange parental attendance at children's special activities including school programs and extra curricular
activities?
3) HEALTH & MEDICAL CONCERNS
- What are the routines for helping your children stay well - medical checkups, special diets. etc.?
- Will medical records be accessible to both parents?
- Who will provide insurance?
- Who will be responsible for filing insurance claims?
- How will each parent find out when the insurance carrier has paid or denied a claim?
- When a payment is received from the insurance carrier, how will that payment be handled?
- How will the deductible portion of bill or uninsured medical/dental bills be paid?
4) CHURCH/RELIGION
- Church attendance/religious education
5) PARENT'S RESIDENCE
- When will one parent notify the other regarding moving from a current address?
6) GENERAL DECISION MAKING CONCERNS
- What child related decisions will be made jointly?
- What child related concerns can be made by each parent separately?
- In the future, how will you manage changes to an established agreement as family needs change? (Mediation does continue to be
available)
7) COMMUNICATION BETWEEN PARENTS
- How will you work together to help your children adjust to the separation/divorce of their parents?
- How can you best promote a good relationship between the children and each parent?
- What topics do you (both parents) agree to discuss outside of mediation? (Under what circumstances will these discussions occur
- when, where, how?) - What procedures do you want to define regarding notification of the other parent of a child's serious illness or emergency?
- When difficulties or disagreements arise between parents, what will you do?
8) COMMUNICATION BETWEEN CHILDREN & PARENTS
- When can children have telephone access to each parent?
- Can a parent call the children at the other parent's home?
9) EXTENDED FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
- What type of relationship do you want your children to maintain with their siblings, grandparents, live in companions & other special
people?
10) SAFETY ISSUES
- Are there concerns about verbal/physical abuse or violence against a spouse or child? What can be done to insure safety?
- Are the children's lives potentially affected by alcohol or drug use?
- What procedure do you want to define for dealing with medical emergencies concerning the children?
11) MEETING FINANCIAL NEEDS OF THE CHILDREN
- How will you share your financial resources to meet expenses of raising children?
- If the children are put into day care or private school, how will the costs be paid (shared)?
- How will the clothing needs of the children be met?
- How will the costs of extracurricular activities be paid (shared)?
- Can one parent make a purchase on behalf of the children and request payment of a portion of it from the other parent? If so, under
what circumstances? - If there is a disagreement over the financial needs of the children, how will you resolve this?
- Is either parent going to pay child support to the other?
- Do you have life insurance? If one parent dies, how will the lost financial support be provided?
12) TAX CONSIDERATIONS & FINANCIAL ISSUES
- What are tax implications of residence of children, providing or receiving child support and claiming children as deductions on
income tax returns? - If the children are put into day care, who will claim credit for these expenses?
- Other issues that may be discussed in mediation include distribution of jointly owned property, household belongings, assets,
debts and spousal support. The Dispute Settlement Center recommends that you also consult your attorney and/or financial
consultant so you may make a fully informed decision related to tax implications and your legal rights.
| Looking for more information? Here are some books that might help. Mom's House, Dad's House; Making Shared Custody Work. By Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. 101 Ways to be a Long-Distance Super Dad or Mom. By George Newman Helping Your Child Through Your Divorce. By Florence Bienenfeld, Ph.D. Between Love & Hat, A Guide To Civilized Divorce. By Lois Gold, M.S.W. Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way. By M. Gary Neuman The Practical Guide to Weekend Parenting. By Doug Hewitt Step Families Stepping Ahead, an Eight-Step Program for Successful Family Living By the Stepfamily Association of America, Inc. Website: http://www.stepfam.org/catalog.htm |
| Books to read with your children How It Feels When Parents Divorce. By Jill Krementz Dinosaurs Divorce, A Guide for Changing Families. By Laurene Krasny Brown & Marc Brown |
| Also check the internet: www.uptoparents.org; www.whileweheal.org Search keywords = co-parenting, parent planning, blended family, step-parents. |
| Check your local library or bookstore for additional titles. |
| During separation and After divorce... CHILDREN ARE BEST CARED FOR WHEN: |
- Both parents understand the quality of communication between parents directly affects their children's healthy adjustments to
the changes brought on by separation and divorce. - Both parents provide love and reassurance to the children and create a parenting plan that provides consistency and stability
in the children's lives. - Both parents understand the difference between their former relationship as wife and husband and their continuing relationship
as parents. - Both parents treat each other with respect despite their differences.
- Both parents distinguish between their own personal needs and the needs of their children. Both parents can objectively
examine the needs of the children and develop a positive working co-parenting relationship. - Both parents understand certain aspects of good parenting agreements:
children, how the decisions will be made about medical care, education, clothing, etc.)
* the agreement is understood by both parents (and children when necessary).
* agree on when and how to communicate information about the children and how to make adjustments
in an agreed upon routine when necessary.
* share an understanding of how they will approach disagreements that arise between them --- what steps
will be taken to find solutions without negatively impacting the children.
- Both parents work at understanding the changes they are experiencing by both reading and talking to others about the effects of
separation and divorce on their children and themselves. - Both parents recognize a separation and divorce is a difficult transition for the family and are able to ask for assistance from
helpful persons including counselors and psychologists.
COOPERATIVE PARENTING
Be prepared - Prepare yourself and the children for the immediate changes that occur at separation. Make a temporary visitation plan so
you can reassure your children they still have both parents. Prepare your children for times with the other parent in a positive way. Have
them available at the agreed time and return them at the agreed upon time. You are teaching your children about being a responsible
adult and parent. Your goal is to help the children feel they have two homes and both parents.
Separate the roles - You are no longer wife and husband, but you are still mother and father. Make a conscious effort to build a
successful partnership in raising your children. Keep your feelings of anger and hurt from interfering in this project. If you can't do this,
get help.
Be responsible - Develop a parenting plan that is appropriate for your child's age and emotional development. Stick to it. Within the
structure of the plan, recognize that special circumstances do arise which require flexibility. For the sake of your child's relationship with
both parents, this may mean extra phone calls or visits. It is natural for child to be anxious about being apart from the absent parent, that
is not a reflection on their interest in being around you.
Be yourself - As a parent, your children have much to learn from you. They want to know who you are and what your everyday life is like. If
you are the non-custodial parent, your children also need to know where they stand with you. This requires setting reasonable &
appropriate limits that are consistent. This helps them feel more secure in their relationship with you and more a part of your life.
Communicate - This is one of the most important factors in adjusting to a divorce and must be done in a positive way. Communicate
with your former spouse about important events in your child's life (school events, recitals, ball games, problems at school, illness, etc.).
Include changes in your own life that may affect your children (moves, employment changes, new spouse, death in family, etc). Your
children need both parents. Your positive communication with each other helps reassure your children.
Accept limits of your control - Recognize you cannot control your former spouse's behavior. If your ex-spouse continues with negative
behavior even after attempts to persuade him or her differently, accept your lack of control (unless it is harmful to your child). Focus
instead on what you can control and try not to contribute to any negative communication around children.
Regarding visitation -
Be prepared - Prepare yourself and the children for the immediate changes that occur at separation. Make a temporary visitation plan so
you can reassure your children they still have both parents. Prepare your children for times with the other parent in a positive way. Have
them available at the agreed time and return them at the agreed upon time. You are teaching your children about being a responsible
adult and parent. Your goal is to help the children feel they have two homes and both parents.
Separate the roles - You are no longer wife and husband, but you are still mother and father. Make a conscious effort to build a
successful partnership in raising your children. Keep your feelings of anger and hurt from interfering in this project. If you can't do this,
get help.
Be responsible - Develop a parenting plan that is appropriate for your child's age and emotional development. Stick to it. Within the
structure of the plan, recognize that special circumstances do arise which require flexibility. For the sake of your child's relationship with
both parents, this may mean extra phone calls or visits. It is natural for child to be anxious about being apart from the absent parent, that
is not a reflection on their interest in being around you.
Be yourself - As a parent, your children have much to learn from you. They want to know who you are and what your everyday life is like. If
you are the non-custodial parent, your children also need to know where they stand with you. This requires setting reasonable &
appropriate limits that are consistent. This helps them feel more secure in their relationship with you and more a part of your life.
Communicate - This is one of the most important factors in adjusting to a divorce and must be done in a positive way. Communicate
with your former spouse about important events in your child's life (school events, recitals, ball games, problems at school, illness, etc.).
Include changes in your own life that may affect your children (moves, employment changes, new spouse, death in family, etc). Your
children need both parents. Your positive communication with each other helps reassure your children.
Accept limits of your control - Recognize you cannot control your former spouse's behavior. If your ex-spouse continues with negative
behavior even after attempts to persuade him or her differently, accept your lack of control (unless it is harmful to your child). Focus
instead on what you can control and try not to contribute to any negative communication around children.
Regarding visitation -
- Visits are for maintaining or building a positive relationship between parent and child NOT for bad-mouthing the other parent or
gathering information about the other parent. - Visits should NOT be used as an excuse to continue arguments on contact with your former spouse.
- DO NOT visit your children if you have been drinking.
- Visits should be planned and arranged between adults - Do NOT use children as messengers.
